Place of surrender

Surrender is not a word that I like. I like to be in control. I am a control freak. By nature, I like to control things in my environment. I am a nurse and I am used to controling things to help my patients in critical and life saving situations. I grew up in a abusive situation. Things happened to me in my childhood that should never happen to a child. I held on to that pain for many years. I thought that I had things under control but it was me trying to do the work that GOD should do and its place in my life. I chose wrong friends and relationships. I was angry for many years because of the things that happened to me as a child. Due to the pain of my childhood, I took on the role of acting like I was in control and what I did to get my education and later on becoming a nurse. I thought in my mind that it was me that did the work. Then life happened. My mom got very sick over the last 10 years and I got overwhelmed with life. I just quit praying, I did bible study because its the thing you do when you are a Christian. Yet over the last 6 months since my mom passed away I was brought to my knees. I have been on my face since the loss of my mom. I miss her terribly. There are days that I feel I failed her because of how life happened for her. I realize that death is apart of life. As I deal with the grief of my mom GOD has renewed the joy of my salvation. This process hasn't been easy. I had to be brought to my knees due to the situations of dealing with some big life situations and GOD did business in my heart. He removed the labels of me trying to control things that were under his control anyway. I admitted every failure that I felt in my heart, some things I caused and some things I didn't cause. I just got real with myself. During this time of grief with the loss of my mom( I am still going thru it) . GOD reminded me of a truth that I needed to be reminded of . When I have needs that I am not allowing GOD to fill I am like I'm holding a cup and going from one person to another to fill it. I go to my friends, family, and whoever I think will fill my cup. And when I do this, I end up empty. However GOD is teaching me and still working in my heart that he will fill me and he does. The peace he gives is something that nothing ever can compare in comparsion.  So its a daily place of surrender to GOD and his plan and not Laura's. I'm not there but just apart of my journey and so glad to be with some many sister's in Christ who are in this journey with me. I love you all so much.

Psalm 42, "  As a deer pants for flowing streams,   so pants my soul for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God,  for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?
 My tears have been my food  day and night, while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God? These things I remember,  as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng  and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,  a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,  and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,  my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;  therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
from Mount Mizar.  Deep calls to deep  at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves   have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,   a prayer to the God of my life.
 I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning  because of the oppression of the enemy?”
As with a deadly wound in my bones,     my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,   “Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul,     and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,     my salvation and my God" .